Finally a SAHM! Woot!

So, I guess congratulations are in order! I finally decided to be a member of the SAHM club!

My reason? Actually, reasonS. I have reasons why I did it.

I am the type of person who hates endings. I hate it when someone leaves and when things change. And no, I am not talking about relationships. My tendency to stick to the status quo 99% of the time applies to my general approach in life. For example, I feel separation anxiety when a relative finally goes back home after staying with us for 8 months. I feel sad when a co-worker for 6 months finally decides to move on and move out of the company. I held on to my super worn out iPad case which looked like something a cat dragged in for three freaking years. I am thaaaattt type. Yep.

So.. if I hate things to change, why did I leave the career I built for almost 9 years? I asked myself that, too. I was quite surprised by myself when I finally handed the resignation letter to my boss (which, by the way, I drafted in 2014) and decided to quit.

If you asked me that question a month ago, I’d probably tell you I do not know. But now, when I look back to that moment, I can honestly tell you I did it because I was sick of it.

I was sick of it. Yes. But no, I am not an ungrateful employee trying to burn bridges.

I realized I was sick of waking up at night and leaving my toddler at home. I was sick of hearing my toddler cry when he realizes Mama’s setting out for work. I was sick of feeling bad when I can’t report for work because my son needs me, and feeling  just the same if I do otherwise. I realized I was sick of working my ass off to earn money, and then not being able to spend quality time with my kid. I was sick of being able to play with my toddler because I would be too exhausted by the time I get home from work. I realized I was no longer myself at work. I was tired of hiding how emotionally down I was because nobody at work would understand how I felt. I realized I felt alone at work. I realized how futile it was to impress people at work when the person who really matters to me was at home taken care of by a nanny. I realized I needed change. Badly.

June 1st. I woke up at 9PM to set out for work. I got up from our squeaky old bed, and then sat down. I cried. I cried buckets. I told my partner I couldn’t do it anymore. I could no longer find a bone in my body that wants me to get up and work. I knew I had to resign. I went to the office, printed out the resignation letter I created 2 years ago (yes, I have been holding off that plan because I hate change) and created a meeting on Outlook with my boss. I told him I need to quit and my last day of work would be on 1 July.

As a person who is anxious 80% of the time, that really surprised me. Did I have a second job? No. Did I have enough money that time for my idle months? No. I quit and I did not have a back-up plan and was not even anxious about it. A part of me told me that was really irresponsible but a part of me also told me that was a really brave move. Whoa! I didn’t know I could do that. But I did! Yes, I did! And then I never looked back.

And how am I now? Fantastic. I found a job online, I don’t have a nanny, and I have a toddler who now goes to school. IT IS NOT EASY but I couldn’t ask for more. I’m finally spending my time with the person who really matters. Congratulations to meeeeee!

 

 

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